I know if feels like everything around you is falling apart. I know you it feels like you’ve disappointed the people around you and that you could have done more or should have handled things better. The weight of the world falls heavily on your (almost) 24-year-old shoulders and you’re afraid you’ll drop all of the pieces you’re juggling.
I read somewhere that maybe life is just a series of starting over and as you’re about to start over I wish I had better advice for you than “trust the process”. In the past you’ve contemplated whether starting over was your way of avoiding taking root somewhere and taking responsibility for what you do with your life. I know you’re afraid of plunging into a new life without a plan. You might regret the things you did, you might regret the things you didn’t do, you even might regret the things you could have done but chose not.
I wish I had better advice for you than “trust the process”. That I could tell you that everybody’s going to understand and support your decision and that things will fall into place once you’re back in the environment where you felt safe but things don’t always work out that way and I don’t want to lead you on.
What I can tell you is that this chapter you’re about to close was the most rewarding experience you’ve had so far. It’s because of the pain you felt that you’re so aware of your and others’ pain; it’s because of the hardships that you’ve learned what to give value to and what to let go of; it was the disappointment, the hurt and the disillusions that made you humble and taught you how to ask for help; it was the depression and anxiety that helped you get clear on your vision; it was putting yourself in challenging situations that taught you how to prepare.
I wish I had better advice for you than “trust the process”. You made friends and lost friends but in the process you found a tribe. Two sisters to look up to, a brother that’s the definition of unconditional love, countless examples of grown-up, mature, romantic love and you’ve built a better relationship with your body and health. You’ve become a more patient person and learned to understand that other people’s reasoning might be different than yours and still be right for them without invalidating your own and all these lessons you’ll take with you on this next phase.
I can’t promise you that you’re ready for the next phase and the challenges it’ll bring. I can’t promise you things will even be any different. But what I can tell you, with all certainty, is that you’ll figure it out because you always do. You’ve been doing it for 6 years and even though you weren’t aware back then, you’ve been doing it since the day you were born. You’ve figured out how to survive this far and you’re still going despite the pains, despite the disappointments, despite the obstacles. You are still going.
I wish I had better advice for you than “trust the process” but maybe, just maybe, that’s exactly the advice you need.
Trust the process. You’ll end up exactly where you need to be.